my jewish mother infiltrated the state capitol building to introduce me to arnold schwarzenegger
PART 1: your daddy is silly
A three year old boy sits in the windowless kitchenette of a nondescript office building sitting at Warner Bros. Studios in Burbank, CA. He is drawing in a coloring book. A nurse, taking her lunch break, sits down next to the boy.
She asks, “What are you drawing?”
“A bird” the artist responds.
As the boy finishes the bird, footsteps from what only can be assumed to be a giant can be heard slowly making their way from down the hall. They grow louder. The boy puts down his pen and stares at the door. As the footsteps grow, so does the sound of clanking metal. The boy nervously looks towards the nurse.
The metal makes its way to the kitchen door, and stops.
The boy looks up, and gasps.
Standing in the doorsill is Batman’s archnemesis, Mr. Freeze. His blue skin, wrapped in a metallic costume, with lights illuminating his eyes, was made even more scary by the fact that underneath the costume was former Mr. Olympia and Hollywood icon Arnold Schwarzenegger. He had just wrapped a scene on Joel Schumacher’s “Batman & Robin”, and was hungry.
A villain that intimidating usually has only one thing one his mind:
To take over the world!
Today, though, as he stepped into the kitchen, all he wanted was to take over a box of doughnuts. But there was one thing standing in his way:
a crying child terrified of super villains, who just happened to be his son, Patrick.
“Patrick! It is daddy! It is just a costume!”
As Arnold tries to calm his son, Patrick’s crying only increased as an actual super villain was now yelling at him.
Here to save the day, right in the nick of time, was the nurse sitting at the end of the table. She could see this father-son conversation was going nowhere, so she chimed in:
“Patrick. Can you believe it? Your daddy is so silly, he thinks its Halloween!”
In that moment, the nurse on set just insulted the world’s biggest action star to his face, in front of his child. I don’t know if you’ve ever thought to do that to the former most jacked man on Earth, but it takes balls.
The room stopped. Mr. Freeze stared at the nurse. Patrick stared at Mr. Freeze. The nurse stared down the possibility of becoming unemployed very soon.
“haha! Ya, daddy you’re silly!”
The heroic move worked. Patrick began pointing and laughing at his father, and Arnold breathed a sigh of relief.
“Ahhh yes, I am so silly!”, nervously laughed Mr. Freeze.
The nurse chimed in again, “Patrick, your daddy is busy. How about we go for ice cream.” She whisked him out of the room.
The nurse had saved the day. She wasn’t just Batman, she was also Robin …
Baskin-Robin (that is the best joke you’ve heard all day)
As they returned from ice cream, Arnold sought out the nurse to thank her for helping out. He notices her badge.
“Your last name. It is Leinwohl?”
“Yes!”
Hey! That name looks familiar. It’s because my mom was the nurse. What a coincidence.
You might think that a moment like this would be very out of character for most nurses on set, but my mother is not most nurses on set. My mother grew up with an abusive Holocaust survivor as a father, witnessed the suicide of her aunt, was kicked out of her home at 16 (where she promptly moved in her with her aunt who had recently married the nephew of the head Gambino crime family), was almost abducted by a cab driver in Greece, and (worst of all), gave birth to a son who is pursuing a career in stand up comedy.
To put it mildly, telling Arnold Schwarzenegger he’s silly was nothing for Nurse Linda.
PART 2: old friends
From the ages of 0–10, I had heard this story of Mr. Freeze maybe 500 times. Anytime Arnold’s face crossed the screen, I knew I would hear the story of her and Mr. Freeze. I also heard the end of that story many times, in which Arnold replied “Leinwohl? You are Austrian! I knew I liked you.”
The remaining days on set, Austria’s most famous son always went out of his way to be nice to his “Austrian nurse on set”, thus etching my mother’s place in Hollywood lore.
Starting November 17, 2003, though, this story became more frequent, as The Terminator became The Governator. Growing up in Northern California in that time, you could not go anywhere without seeing his face, or hearing my mother off in the distance recounting her close friendship with Arnold.
Soon after, 5th grade concluded as quickly as it started. As a school situated in the Bay Area, there was only one place epic enough for an end of year field trip…
Sacramento. Otherwise known as the new home of Mr. Freeze.
After years of her proclaiming her close ties to California’s highest ranking government official, I sarcastically said “You should chaperone the trip, and maybe we can say hi to Arnold.”
“Oh, I can get him to say hi to your class, easy!”
My mother was always a confident woman, but claiming that she could somehow get face to face with the newly elected leader of the 5th biggest economy in the world, was insane. But I was eleven years old, so instead of questioning it, I began telling all of my friends that my mom was cooler than theirs.
Word spread. The following are exact quotes of things my schoolmates said when hearing this news:
- “I doubt Morgan’s mom can pull this off” — Shannon
- “If Morgan’s mom can do this, we definitely won’t pick him last for two touch football anymore! He’ll automatically become a great athlete.” — Zach
- “Morgan’s mom better not be lying! Otherwise we’ll kick her f*cking ass.” — Joshua
Even my teacher, Mrs. Baker, had her doubts.
“Morgan, I’ve been hearing your mom is going to introduce us to the governor?”
“yup!”
“Ok, well as long as she’s quick about it, because we have a very busy day”
Anyway, I put my social status on the line for my mother, who never wavered in her stance. The night before the trip, as my mom laid me down to go to bed, I said, “The kids at school say you are lying”
“Your mother is many things, but one of them is not a liar.”
“So, are you sure you can do this?
“I’m your mother. I can do anything”
“Can you make me not get picked last in two touch football? It’s embarrassing.”
“Good night, son”
PART 3: game time
It’s 7am. The students and chaperones begin to pile on three Greyhound buses, each bus for each different 5th grade class. There were three stops that each bus was to make that day, in different orders, switching at the conclusion of each stop:
- Old Town Sacramento (definitely not cool, and not where Arnold was)
- Fort Sutter (an old fort that was stupid because Arnold was not there)
- The Capitol Building (bingo)
My bus was scheduled to go The Capitol last. That’s not good. What if Arnold had to go to a meeting in a foreign land like Fresno? What if he went to start another affair with a maid? What if my mother was a crazy, Jewish lady who has no idea what she’s talking about and just had me leverage all of my social clout into one, impossible act?
I was shivering with antici-
While making our way onto the bus from Old Town to Fort Sutter, we passed by the class that just came from the Capitol.
“We saw him!”
Devastating. This was MY day. I know everyone went on this field trip to have a nice time, but they had no idea this day was all about ME and I couldn’t stand them stealing my shine.
“Mom?”
She winks at me. Unwavered. We board the bus. I see a few of the mother’s give side eye to Nurse Linda.
I did not register these looks at the time, but now as an adult, I understand them. My mother not only was going out on a limb with my friends, but she also was going on a limb with these fellow parents. I’m sure they didn’t appreciate having to do anything more than cut up orange slices to impress their child, so I’m sure they were not happy with my mother’s celebrity connections.
After a boring walk around stupid Fort Sutter (sorry 1800’s architect John Sutter), it was time to make our way to the Capitol. We pile back on the bus. I sit in the back, and hear the kid’s chatter:
- “I’m gonna ask The Governator to make school illegal!” — Rebecca
- “I’m gonna ask him about Danny DeVito!” — Ben
- “I’m definetely ready to kick some f*cking ass if this she doesn’t pull this off.”
My mother sat in the front of the bus. The usually chattery Linda was surprisingly still.
She was locked in. This was her Super Bowl.
We pull up the California State Capitol Building, get ushered off the bus, and begin walking into the main lobby. It is an opulent, circular rotunda, busy with California’s top officials. A group of twenty-five fifth graders tip toe there way to the center, and gaze upwards towards the huge dome. Our teacher says:
“This is the Capitol Building everyone.” We gaze in wonder. She continues:
“Ok, now everyone, we’re going to do a quick bathroom break, and then we’re going to head back to the bus.”
I look down from the dome. Everyone does the same, but their eyes land on me. “That’s it?” I thought to myself. “Isn’t Arnold hanging around? Can’t we wait to see if he walks by?”
I can feel everyone’s disappointment in me as we slowly start walking towards the doors. I had let everyone down.
The chatter begins again. “We’re definitely going to keep picking Morgan last in football”. The defeat began to sink in as the kids started making their way to the bathrooms. But then I stopped, looked up, and said out loud to myself:
“Where is my mom?”
I look around. She hadn’t been with us in the rotunda. I didn’t see her go to the bathroom. She needed to get on the bus. But where could she possibly have -
Oh god. I know where she went.
My teacher, Mrs. Baker came to me, “Morgan, where is your mother? We have to leave.”
I approached an aid in the rotunda. “Excuse me, where is the governor’s office?”
She suspiciously pointed me down a large corridor.
I said to Mrs. Baker, “Come with me if you want to live!”
(It has taken me up until this point to do an Arnold quote, and it was worth it.)
As kids make their way to the bus, Mrs. Baker and I barge down the main corridor of The Capital.
Turns out, finding his office was not that hard. If you take roughly 100 steps down the corridor, you are met face to face with this:
I stood at the door with the now stumped Mrs. Baker. My mother had been gone for a while. So she was either in this office, or in the ladies bathroom. And I was not going in there.
“Morgan, we can’t just go into the office”, Mrs. Baker sneered.
I couldn’t hear her. The echoes of my fellow classmates jeers were bouncing around in my head. This was my shot. I came up with the most cunning plan I could:
I walked up to the guard, and said, “Excuse me, my mommy is in there.”
The guard looked at me, looked at Mrs. Baker, and back at me. His face was stern, which was hard for me to really appreciate being I was focused on the gun around his waist.
He got closer, his stare more intense, waited a few moments, and then said, “uhh ya ok”.
It is nice to know that our most trusted offices of California politics are so heavily guarded, and that the security process is so scrutinous.
He opened the door, allowing me and Mrs. Baker into the main lobby of the governor’s office. Pantsuits were buzzing around like bees. You couldn’t miss the portrait of Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger standing next to his then-wife Maria Shriver placed in the middle of the room.
(I’m sure that portrait no longer exists, as it was probably burned by Maria and her girlfriends in some sort of “Forget About Him! All Men are Trash!” themed party after Arnold got caught with the maid.)
Mrs. Baker and I stood there, stunned. I hear her next to me quitely go, “Oh wow.”
I turn to my left. There, my mother was talking to a tall man in a grey suit. She is so short compared to him, that her head is almost pointed towards the ceiling. She notices me, and gestures for the man to turn around.
There he was.
The Governator — Mr. Freeze — Mr. Olympia — Arnold
I have one clear memory from this brief encounter. And it was that Arnold approached me, all I could fathom was just how red his face was. It was literally beat red. I don’t know why, but my first thought was that this was caused by years of movie make up that ruined his skin. In hindsight, I’ve been caught in a long conversation with my mother, too, so maybe he was just schvitzing.
I am frozen, he walks over to me, and looks down:
“YOuR MoTHeR iS SooOOoo CooL hasdkjsahajd”
Just kidding. It’s hard to type his accent. Do your best to do it in your head:
“So, your name is Leinwohl?”
I looked up at my mother. She nodded back. The Austrian Oak had remembered.
“Yes, Mr. Governor”
“That is a great Austrian name. You know I am from Austria.”
“Yes, Mr. Governor”
“You know one time your mother called me silly. Do you think I am silly?”
“No, Mr. Governor.”
He looks back to my mom, and now some staff members who have gathered around.
“He is funny!”
The staff giggle. My mother is basking in her new title as “Coolest Mom”.
“Morgan, where are your classmates? I would like to say hello to them.”
“I’ll go get them, Mr. Governor!”
“Morgan, call me … ThE GoVeRNaTOR asjkhckejdc”
He actually said that!
On his command, I knew my moment to shine was here. With the speed of a pudgy eleven year old who desperately wanted to not be picked last anymore, I ran down the corridor, passing by California’s top officials, and made my way to the rotunda. On the other end, my class was just about to make their way out of the building, until I loudly proclaimed:
“You guys! GeT To ThE CHoPPeR!”
(translation: He’s down the hall)
Twenty five fifth grader stampeded right back down the hall, where the red-faced action star was waiting.
With us gathered around, he gave us the least action star line he possibly could:
“Stay in School!”
Lame.
First of all, it would have been way cooler if he told us to take steroids and star in movies with Jamie Lee Curtis.
Second, his sentiment did not work, as I later became a college drop out.
My mother proudly stepped in, “All right everyone, Governor Schwarzenegger is a very busy man, so what do we say to him?”
“Thank you Governor Schwarzenegger!”
And that is roughly the end of the story. Everyone piled back on to the bus, starry eyed and reeling. For the bus ride home, I was the toast of the town.
But as I’ve grown older, there is another, more mysterious story that I’m realizing was at play the whole time. A story that fueled the one I just recounted, and one that I am still not fully sure the details of:
How the f*ck did my mother get into The Governor’s office at the California State Capitol Building, in the middle of a work day, walk right up to one of the most famous men in the world and get him to stop what he was doing to say hello to me and my class?
PART 4: nurse linda, secret agent
- Nurse Linda’s first obstacle: The Guard
I am not sure what she said to this poor man, but I imagine it went something like this:
“Hello my name is Linda Leinwohl, but Arnold would know me as Nurse Linda. He knows me because my name is Austrian. He is Austrian so that’s how he’d remember me. I was the nurse on the set of the Batman & Robin movie. With George Clooney? Did you see that? Well I was the nurse on the set and I would always help with his son Patrick. What a sweet boy. Anyway, my son is here with his class, and I wanted to see if Mr. Governor can say hi to him. I’ll be quick.”
At that point, my mother could have had a bomb strapped to her chest and sign stapled to her forehead that said “I am Osama Bin Laden”.
That guard didn’t stand a chance.
- Nurse Linda’s second obstacle: Finding the Governor
There are two kinds of people at a grocery store:
1. Those who know what they are looking for, look up at the aisle signs, and slowly use deductive reasoning to find the product they are looking for, without bothering anyone.
2. Those who grab the first person they see and ask “What aisle do I find The Governor?”
The Leinwohl’s are the ladder. My mother surely pressed some young republican intern as to the whereabouts of Arnold, and I’m sure they couldn’t help but track him down.
“Governor! Stop what you are doing! No, no I know you are in negotiations with labor unions about the ever mounting pressure of business reforms, but a woman who said she used to be your nurse is here!”
“… Did she happen to say she was Austrian?”
- Nurse Linda’s third obstacle: Charming the Governor
This part of the story has been recounted to me. While I was not there to verify this, I’ll take my mother for her word:
“Mr. Governor, I am not sure if you remember me, but my name is Nurse Linda Leinwohl, and we worked together on Batman & Robin.”
“Ahhh, yes Linda! The smartest, most amazing, most Austrian nurse who I remember so well from 1 of my 50+ films that I starred in. I talk about you every day to my family & friends.”
Again, I can not verify this exchange, but honestly I don’t think it’s far off.
- Nurse Linda’s final obstacle: Get the Governor to do what she wants
While my mother may not have realized this, she was helping him as much as he was helping her.
At the the time, Governor Schwarzenegger was making a big public push into improving California’s educational system (most notably through his foundation, After School All-Stars). To say hi to me and my class was a genius PR move by The Governor. A photo op of him speaking to a group of children was ideal.
Remember when I said my mom had a crazy life? As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned crazy lives create impressive people. My mother has always been good under pressure, actually sometimes better under pressure than in regular life. I think that life is what gave her the kind of ability to charm her way through The State Capitol in the first place.
That life is what made her a good nurse, too. I guess if someone comes in yelling “F*CK! I was stabbed”, I wouldn’t also want the nurse to be like “F*CK! What do we do!?”
I continued getting picked last for football, and the kids quickly forgot about the story. While I felt like an action here on the bus ride home, the feeling didn’t last.
So, what did last?
No matter what, too this day, any time Arnold’s face flashes across the screen, or his name gets mentioned in conversation, my mother will relay the (now even more epic) story of her friendship with Mr. Freeze, from Warner Bros. to the State Capitol.
But now, I get to add my own version:
“Coolest Mom introduces me to her old friend.”
Hasta la vista baby,
Morgan
